TROUBLE

I have been getting gradually sicker over time, starting about 1982. It excellerated in the past 2.5 years. A neurological specialist just diagnosed me with chronic epstein barr virus syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia and depression. He said these all go together as a cluster of problems, some how related to each other. So, now, I have to find a specialist for this "cluster" because there are a lot of symptoms to deal with and possible prescriptions to alleviate them. I need one doctor to coordinate my care.

I was already dealing with being frustrated and sad over the divorce. I had expected to be married for life. I realized after the first 5 days of marriage that something was wrong with our relationship. I stayed married for 14 years. Gradually he became more uncommunicative and then unfriendly, unkind, emotionally abusive and then physically abusive. The worst was when he was unkind and abusive to our children.

I prayed so much, so hard, asked a lot of other people to pray for us, sought help from various pastors. I did not leave my kids alone with him, I could not be sleeping when the kids and he were awake. Finally, I could not prevent him or stop him from hurting my children. So, I finally left him and we were divorced in 2000. I was so angry at God, I had prayed and prayed for help for us. I couldn't understand why God didn't step in and fix it. God says he hates divorce. That is why I stayed with my husband so long. I thought, with enough prayer, patience and effort on my part that God would heal our marriage.

But I have finally figured out that having problems is normal while we live here (Jesus said, "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, I have overcome the world."John 16:33)

Romans 8:21-23 (New Living Translation)

²¹ the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. ²² For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.

I am so-o-o-o-o looking forword to Jesus coming again. The promise of all evil being destroyed, banished, etc... is a comfort. But I pray that my husband is saved and won't be banished (the Bible: Revelations). I would be ecstatic to see him in heaven! I still love him, but like an errant brother, not a husband anymore.

COPING

MUSIC THERAPY

I have received a lot of support from contemporary Christian songs. Music has always been relaxing to me. I used to spend a lot of time playing piano, clarinet, guitar, recorder and harmonica. I have not played instruments very often for many years because I have been very busy with 3 kids, working full time and dealing with divorce. I have become dependant on the radio for music. My favorite stations are christian contemporary stations, some gospel music, some blugrass, some folk music, hammered dulcimer, percussion - like Stomp, drum circles. It is fun to find the stations on the internet.

Christian music is very healthy for christians to listen to. However, you need to listen to the words and make sure that the lyrics are in line with the Bible. To be able to do that, you need to be reading the Bible and become familier with what God has said. Praising God is uplifting to your mood and strengthenning to your spirit. Songs about helping other people, trusting God, etc... are great for helping to keep these ideas in our mind during the day. I love to listen to christian songs when I am driving, it helps me not to act on my road rage impulses. It helps to keep things in perspective and to remind me that there is more to life than work, bills and seeking after pleasure. Praising God and thinking of things to do to help other people helps to pull me out of depression, which I struggle with.


I will be posting song lyrics that inspire me and adding Bible references. I like songs that are based on the Word of God. Contemplating, studying and remembering the Word of God is relaxing, strengthenning, uplifting. Praising God in song feels so good! Praising God by doing the things he tells us to do feels even better! Jesus said that the most important thing to do is LOVE. Romans 8:28

God has a complex plan that includes everything. Even when I am having pain, sadness, frustration, loss, etc... I still believe that God loves me and has a plan for a wonderful future for me. Jesus said "take up your cross and follow me" the cross is where Jesus had all of the sins of everybody: past, present, future, believers, unbelievers ... So, when Jesus says to take up our cross, it means to deal with the result of the sins of ourselves and other people the way God wants us to, with God's help. Following Jesus means to obey God. I am excited to be part of God's plan.

from Lyric Wiki-Chris Tomlin: I Will Rise

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise